Reflection on the choice to commemorate loved ones

Where and however a goal is achieved
through praise, song, kind words,
gifts, & family customs,
diligently follow them there and that way. (AN 5.49)

The passage above, which comes from Kosal Below, got me thinking about how I handled my mom's funeral versus not having a funeral for my husband. My mother left complete instructions on what to do, who to call, who to say prayers, who to sing and what song; I didn't have to wonder about anything, just execute the plan. She definitely wanted a specific type of funeral with a reception after the service. It was right. And nobody complained about it, at least not in front of me.

For my husband Ed, I also had instructions. A simple cremation and scattering of his ashes at sea – no funeral, no memorial, etc. His feeling was that the people who cared about him had been a part of his life and it wasn't his job as a corpse to have a favor to perform. others feel better. Besides, he knew it would have been a pressure for me. So it was clear. And I followed his instructions.

Were people unhappy? Yeah, I know they were because a couple of them approached me after he died and made comments like, "OK, that thing without a funeral, you're going to ignore it, isn't it not? Much to their dismay, my response was, "No, I'm not going to ignore that." I am his wishes.

At the time, both decisions seemed fair, but were they?

When someone dies, we tend to make their death our subject. The positive part of this is that grief is how we awaken to witness the transition. Our grief for someone who has passed is about our transition into acknowledging that they are gone, and also that our own lives have changed. As we move forward with these changes, we are empowered because we are choosing a new path forward. Even if it's about letting go of a childhood trauma, creating a new lifestyle, or mourning the loss of a loved one, you can make that your own and create something new. In fact, you want to own this and actively create your new way of moving through this world.

A funeral is a specific ritual that can be an important milestone, marking the progression of your grief journey. Some people see a funeral as a way of giving guidance, something to do to acknowledge that someone has passed away. There will be people for whom attending the funeral will provide all the closure they need. Others will attend funerals and also recognize opportunities throughout the year to remember their loved one and process their grief. These activities help guide an individual, family or group through their grief.

Our funeral rituals specific to Buddhism help our deceased loved one to be reborn better. Beyond that, our rituals are about caring for the living. It may not help you, but it could ease the grieving journey of others around you. For some people, it is very important to know that they have organized the service or ceremony that their loved one would have wanted, the latter way of showing their love and respect.

By not arranging funerals for Ed, have I denied anyone the opportunity to move forward? When there is a conflict of wishes, who makes the call? I later found out that a close friend just couldn't accept the lack of a funeral service for Ed. He held his own private service, which as far as I could tell was for himself and maybe his wife. At first it bothered me, but when I think about it now, I feel different. He did what it took to deal with his own grief. I respect that. Ultimately, we are each responsible for our own journey and progress. It may sound selfish, but it's not. If you are able to make the choices that make you stronger, you can help others.

Back to Kosal sutta

Where and however a goal is achieved
through praise, song, kind words,
gifts, & family customs,
diligently follow them there and that way.

But if you discern that your own goal
or that of others
is not acquired in this way,
to acquiesce (to the nature of things)
easily, with the thought:
'What important work am I doing now?' (AN 5.49)

What a useful question: What important work am I doing now? Regardless of what service you offer or not, what are you doing to move closer to your own freedom from suffering. This is the important work to be done.